do you ever feel like your drowning? literally sinking into a bottomless pit of despair. trying to grasp and reach for air but every attempt is for nothing because you slip further and further into the nothingness that is wrapping you up.
that's where I am at right now. drowning the unknown of my future, the unknown of everything.
here I am, roughly seven months since I graduated college and still without a job of any kind. still uncertain of what I am going to do with this degree I worked so hard to get.
here I am, longing to be in Ukraine. in a place where I can't understand 99% of the people I encountered due to the language barrier, but they loved me regardless. in a place where I felt Jesus moving.
where does God want me? where would my 'talents' be best used? if you could call them that. at this point in time, I look at what other graphic designers are doing and I look at my work, and then think that I will never be good enough to work anywhere as a graphic designer.
all I know is that I have to surrender everything I know and everything I am to Jesus. because the only way to be rescued from the drowning mess is when Jesus reaches down and pulls me out. and when I refuse to let myself be not 'good enough.' but I've been seeking for quite some time and I still don't know where I'm supposed to be or where I'm supposed to go or what I'm supposed to be doing. I must need a lesson in listening.
Psalm 143
A psalm of David
Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
